reunion

maybe it's because of all of the instagram reels that can somehow pinpoint my insecurities, but i feel like they are signs everywhere.

a part of me always asks if i peaked in high school, which according to reddit, if i'm self-aware enough to ask the question, then i'm not. i never bought my class ring or a letterman jacket. i never was on a football team or had anything school pride related. i don't think i even have any clothing left of that era. i've tried to leave it all behind.

it's a weird thought to think both my middle school and high school are just. gone. granted they weren't even out of real school buildings rather just cheap repurposed ones. however, they were still somewhere i clocked in from 8-3 and walked around the hallways like i cared about academia.

the thought of this reunion is somehow scarier than most things in my life such as filing taxes, calling a doctor, or even worse, sending a slack message to a coworker.

i keep having daydreams where i'm back in those same hallways pacing around, up and down, just trying to calm the nerves before going into the gym/auditorium. it's going to be a complete mess as always, both on the school part and myself. i picture myself alone in this hallway each time. shoes squeaking as i decide if i should take a xanax or hope there's an open bar.

then comes the fear of being overdressed. was ditching my converse for nice leather shoes a good move or would it make me stand out more? should i have worn a suit like the prom i never went to or maybe a collared shirt is okay. i stare at the lines of my shirt as i desperately try to find any wrinkles in my shirt and pants in the men's bathroom.

i remember this men's bathroom as i calmed a friend down on the disgusting floor of it. memories feel like they're everywhere despite the fact it's been 10 years of trying to repress it. yet, here i am about to face the ad-sponsored pandora music walking into what seems like a disaster.

it always feels like a giant blur at this part of the dream. i press open the door and suddenly all eyes are on me for some reason. i imagine people coming up to greet me, maybe giving me a nice handshake, and i tense my shoulders when someone puts their hands on them unannounced.

the thought of interaction just feels overbearing and scary. the entire room is filled with people who've had their whole life somehow finalized, picture perfect, and i have no idea if it's true or not. like many things in life, i validate things with facts. the sky is blue, grass is green, and the valedictorian who bought a flat in midtown manhattan must be successful.

this entire room feels like a linkedin echo chamber of people who are more successful than me. you have the valedictorian with a doctorate and maybe his gorgeous wife with her arm wrapped around his. there are the guys with the nice cars, granted they're a mercedes-benz SUVs, but still. they're probably not even thinking about the APR rate like i am.

all of these thoughts suffocate my mind at the same time to the point i'm not sure if i have any room for a positive one. the panic attack always feels the same and i always find myself back in the men's bathroom wanting to fall back on the floor like i used to. maybe i'd see my initials sketched under the sink or even maybe i'll see it painted over.

these hallways, these people, this whole place feel both the same as it's always been but completely different at the same time. somehow the people in front of me who i can remember barely being able to use a calculator are suddenly SVPs at some fancy company while i do my best to feel slightly comfy at my horrible "anthony please quit" job.

every hug and handshake feels as tight as my throat while i swallow and pretend everything is fine. a part of me wants to just have fun and pretend for the night, like if i had multiple doctorates, a super hot husband that couldn't make it, and i'm actually jacked underneath my twice-thrifted old navy oxford shirt, i'm just too humble to flex my biceps.

"So, what have you been up to?" will be the question i'll hear countless times to the point i can time the millisecond of the inflection of each word. i can rehearse what my response will be, which would be something like "Oh, just you know - having lots of fun in NYC these days. Super different than [town] and the pizza is WAY better!" but in reality, i'll panic and forget these words.